Thursday, December 29, 2011

Putting the descriptions all together from the previous day

In reviewing the last blog regarding descriptions, let's put them all together--this is something similar to a writing exercise in Stephen King's On Writing.

Here's what I came up with:

    As the whirl of the frappuccino machine thunders away, echoing to the farthest reaches of the breakroom--where one could play a decent game of football if it weren't for all the tables and chairs--I stood in line, patiently awaiting my chocolatety wonder.
    The clerk, a perky blond with a small diamond-headed stud in her nose, chats with the customer ahead of me on the latest Facebook statuses.
    Behind me, a microwave chimes and the vile stench of burnt popcorn churns my stomach.

Okay, it's not the latest award-winning literature, but it's certainly not the worst either.  I'm usually not a fan of the word "perky" because it's been so overused, but for not I'm going to leave it--that's what rewriting is for.

Honestly, I don't like to have too much descriptions without mixing in a fair amount of dialogue.  In the second paragraph, I notice there is a lot of "telling" so in the editing round, I'd probably insert "showing" dialogue about the Facebook statuses.

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